Unto Death Do Us Part

At my first church out in the Mojave Desert, Inyokern, I learned an awful lot.  One thing early on I learned from this very rural community was that many folks did not have the same opportunities as I had grown up expecting.  Not much for teenagers to do in this small town of some 450 people.

I remember asking one of the girls in our youth group what kids did for entertainment out here.  She, matter-of-factly responded, “We go to desert parties, get drunk, get pregnant and then get married.”  That’s it.

And there wasn’t much preparation for tying the knot.  I would try to get any perspective couple to go through five or six sessions of premarital counseling.  I’d start off with an easy question to set them at ease.  “What attracted you to this person?”  I remember the first couple who came to our doorstep.  To that question, the young woman got all moony-eyed and answered breathlessly, “His car.”

I’m thinking, “Lady, you’re not marrying his set of wheels!”  Is this all there is?  Needless to say, this marriage did not last much more than six months. 

The ethic of the sacrament of marriage is mutuality.  I think of FDR and Eleanor Roosevelt.  He was certainly a much more successful president because of the work and influence of Eleanor.  Think of Will and Arial Durant who, through their collaboration, produced volume after volume of The History of Civilization.  Theirs was indeed a sacramental partnership, for many have been blessed by that great work.

I think of my friends Jim and Jean Strathdee who as a team have greatly enriched the hymnody of the church. 

I think of my own partner, Jai.  When one or another of us pitches in to help remember a detail or work in a common project, I often say, “That’s why there are two of us.” 

When it comes to the bond that lasts, Aretha Franklin’s theme song, R-E-S-P-E-C-T is at the heart of it.  Any of you who have been married or have a deep and abiding friendship know this blessing.  The essence of a good marriage, of a lasting friendship: R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

The Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh gets at this through what is known as “mindfulness.”  Being mindful of the other at a deep level.

He tells the story of washing the dishes.  Yes, that mundane chore most of us plod through without thinking.  Or thinking completely of something else and missing the rich experience of actually washing the dishes.[1]

When he was a novice monk, washing the dishes was pretty primitive.  There was no soap, only ashes and rice husks to do the cleaning.  And all this for over one hundred monks!

Thich Nhat Hanh tells of a visit from his friend Jim Forest, a member of the Catholic Peace Fellowship.  Jim, one evening volunteered to wash the dishes.  Thich Nhat Hanh asked him if he knew how to wash the dishes.  Jim, a little miffed, insisted of course.  He’d been washing the dishes for many years.  Of course, he knew how to wash the dishes!

Thich Nhat Hanh responded, that that may not be so.  For, you see, “there are two ways to wash the dishes.”  Anyone can wash them in a hurry.  There’s a machine that will do that.  That is the first way to wash the dishes just in order to have clean dishes…”the second is to wash the dishes in order to wash the dishes.”  It is to be fully immersed in the process.  “If while washing dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not ‘washing the dishes to wash the dishes.’”[2]

Such mindfulness was the habit of our patron saint, the Beloved Francis.  He took in moments by moments and lived in them – in relation to his followers, in relation to the natural world.  He had a mindfulness that revealed relationships.  I say he is the saint of “everything is connected.”

Unfortunately, we don’t always show our closest friends, our spouses, our neighbors the same R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  The first several couples I married in that small desert church had not the wherewithal to live with one another in mindful relationships.  I wonder if that first woman enamored with “his car” had a mindful relationship with it.  Probably not.

When we come from such broken or dysfunctional homes, we never acquire the skills and practices of being mindful of the other – whether it’s a spouse or a long-time friend.

Sarah Smarsh tells of such in her family in her book Heartland.[3]  Coming from rural Kansas, with many from broken families, the abuse and trauma is passed along from one generation to the next.

“I was fortunate to have a kind father in a place where women’s bodies were vulnerable for being rural, for being poor, for being women.  I grew up listening to Betty console my cousins, aunts, and family friends as they sat at the kitchen table after a beating.  They might have a black eye from a fist or a sticky hospital-tape residue on their forearms from an emergency-room visit after being knocked unconscious with a baseball bat.  On my mom’s side of the family that sort of terror was a tradition.”[4]

No marriage, no relationship can long survive that sort of abuse.

Yes, we are all connected and marriage holds the potential of being one of the deepest connections – but too often immature partners are simply not capable of such.

Barbara Brown Taylor says this about marriage: “It’s the only opportunity most of us will ever have to become an adult.”  It’s all about R-E-S-P-E-C-T grounded in mindfulness of the other.

Hillary Clinton, in her new book, Something Lost, Something Gained, reflects on a rich and full life.  In the work there is a chapter on her marriage.  This has been probably one of the most public marriages in recent history.  Despite the ups and downs, the public betrayal and humiliation, tentative reconciliation – through a lot of hard work and soul searching, this marriage has ripened into something beautiful and nourishing.  That’s the sort of connection that would warm St. Francis’ heart and bring a tear or two to his eyes as it did mine.

As she reminisces over the years, “I’m back in New Haven, and this tall, handsome young man is holding my hand as we wander through the Yale University Art Gallery on our first date.  I’m back in the living room of the little red-brick house in Fayetteville, saying ‘I do,’ as Arkansas sunlight pours through the bay window”[5]

“Bill and I have been married since 1975, and there’s still no one else I want to talk to more than him.  About politics, public policy, and our foundation projects, yes.”

Most mornings find Bill and me lingering in bed, on our phones playing Spelling Bee.  That’s the New York Times’ online game when you rearrange seven letters to form as many words as possible.  After a few minutes, Bill will sidle over to compare lists.  ‘Pizzazz’ he’ll ask.”  Then he’ll call out ‘Queen Bee,’ the highest score possible.  And she’s wondering how he does it so fast after a half-century at his side.[6]  This is mindfulness that has blossomed into deep R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Today we will bless the animals, for all of creation was in the purview of Francis’ mindfulness.  In our time of the onslaught of global warming, we objectify Mother Nature at our peril.  Yes, it’s happening now.  Not someplace off in some distant future.  Now.

Mindfulness as we go to the polls would guide us to consider only those candidates grounded in the reality of what is going on all around us.  Vote Climate.

Mindfulness grounds in the actual political realities of this world.  Listening to the Vice President Debate last Tuesday, I’m with Lawrence O’Donnell’s assessment of one of the candidates, “J.D. Vance may be the only vice-presidential candidate in history who doesn’t know who the president is.”  C’mon, guy…get real.

As we celebrate our patron saint, let us mindfully be connected as a part of the natural order.  The earth and stars, planets and galaxies, centipedes and sow bugs…And yes, “lions, tigers and bears, O My!”

Its all a part of our glorious creation.   In this garden, at the deepest level we are meant for relationship, friendship and marriage.  And we are meant to be one with this splendid natural order.  Sheer Grace!

Remember in the biblical story, when Adam first gazed upon Eve, he exclaimed, “this at last!” speaking of the dazzling sight before him – which should be far better translated as, “Holy Smoke!”  We are indeed meant to delight on one another.  It is not fitting that man, that woman should be alone. 

As Martin Buber asserts, “God is relationship.”  The Letter of John puts the same point a bit differently, “God is Love and those who abide in Love abide in God and God in them.” Francis was in love with all creation.  His invitation daily awaits if we’re but mindful.  Folks, it doesn’t get any better than this.  Amen.

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[1] Thich Nhat Hanh, The Miracle of Mindfulness: A Manual on Meditation (Boston: Beacon Press, 1975). 4-8.

[2] Op.cit., p8.

[3] Sara Smarsh, Heartland: A Memoir of Working Hard and Being Broke in the Richest Country on Earth (New York: Scribner, 2018).

[4] Op. Cit., 78.

[5] Hillary Clinton, Something Lost, Something Gained: Reflections on Life, Love, Liberty (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2024), 277.

[6] Op. Cit., 271.

October 6, 2024
20 Pentecost, Proper 18
Blessing of the Animals

Genesis 2:18-24; Psalm 8;Hebrews 1:1-4, 2:5-17; Mark 10:2-16 “Unto Death Do Us Part